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Paul and I have been busy giving The Treehouse — our story archive and online home — a fresh coat of paint and a new content management system. Migrating the stories is boring but necessary. Tonight it was the 1997 Brat Kit’s turn. I only meant to polish it up — but instead, I ended up chatting with my 1997 self and writing a 2025 sequel. Now it’s 12:30 AM. Typical.
Background: Back in 1997, brat Mija made her very own “Back to School Survival Kit” for the imaginary Usenet town where everyone was into spanking and we were all in on the joke. In 2025, Professor Mija tried to get serious with her own survival kit… fortunately, 1997 Mija keeps scribbling in the margins. Long may she brat away.
Laptop
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Professor: Sleek, efficient, full of syllabi and carefully versioned slides.
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Brat: CHAOS machine. Meme folder primed. Cat-ear filters installed. (Also: accidental ringtone demo file.)
Mug
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Professor: “World’s Best Professor” — fortified with coffee for committee marathons.
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Brat: Contents are optional: cocoa + Baileys, kombucha, or something suspiciously green.
Phone / Phantom Assistant
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Professor: Professional communications hub—email, calendar, student messages.
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Brat: Pocket chaos engine. Random alarms, timed ringtones, and a hidden audio clip that blurts “Alexa” or “Siri” for maximum confusion. Also for sub texting friends in the room to see who wants to go to lunch, go to drink, hire a hitman for whomever made this dude’s 54 slide presentation.
Zoom/Teams Background
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Professor: Bookshelves arranged just so, tasteful framed degrees, neutral warmth.
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Brat: Headmaster’s study, detention hall, a beach cabana, or outer space. At least we cam pretend the house is clean…
Pens / Dry Erase Markers
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Professor: Red pen for feedback, fine liners for tidy notes, dry-erase for board diagrams.
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Brat: Sakura Gelly Rolls, fluorescent highlighters, and the faint marker-fume high one can get while doodling mustaches on Chaucer or administrators. Especially deans.
Stickers
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Professor: A sticker for the “well-done” paper when appropriate.
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Brat: Neon smiles, glitter flakes, peel-and-slap tactics.
Chocolate / Edibles
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Professor: Emergency snack for long meetings (and a private, respectable stash).
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Brat: Bribes, morale boosters, and COVID-era wisdom: mugs don’t have to contain coffee.
AirTags / Faculty Tracking
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Professor: Useful for shared equipment and conference swag.
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Brat: Slip one into a tote and turn faculty life into a scavenger hunt. Why *do* we keep running into each other?
Portable Charger
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Professor: Lifesaver between back-to-back classes.
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Brat: If your phone dies, so do you. Recharge or face the consequences.
Noise Tools (Apps / Devices)
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Professor: Alerts for class start/stop, timely reminders.
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Brat: Loop “I’m Too Sexy” during midterms. Walk away slowly.
Ring Light & Filters
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Professor: Useful for clear, well-lit lectures.
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Brat: Weaponize with cat ears, anime eyes, and “I teach from a yacht” vibes.
Department Printer / Office Nooks
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Professor: Workflow engine that
sometimesalways jams under pressure. -
Brat: Prime hiding spot for stickers, glitter packets, or chocolate.
Conference Lanyards / Faculty ID
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Professor: Credentials of scholarship and suffering.
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Brat: Cat toy. Choker. Laminate “World’s Brattiest Professor.”
Do Not Disturb Tape
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Professor: “In progress” sign for office hours or recording.
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Brat: Slap it on the door, claim a Very Important Zoom, and quietly eat your M&Ms.
Sutti the Service Dog
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Professor: Trusted helper, calm companion, valuable support.
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Brat: Distraction deluxe. A well-timed whine, shake, or soulful look derails lectures faster than any ringtone.
Glitter & Neon Accessories
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Professor: Tasteful seasonal flair.
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Brat: Color-shifting polish, LED laces, eco-friendly glitter.
Margin Verdict (1997 Mija to Professor Mija):
“Girl, you’ve gone WAY too serious. Why you hate us? Your list isn’t survival—it’s detention. Update your brat kit already or your card is getting YANKED.”
Obligatory Warning/Disclaimer: Yes yes, this list is completely irresponsible and possibly, in places, criminal— it belongs in an imaginary online town where everyone’s into spanking and we’re all in on the joke. Consent is ALL.
…And because history matters, back in 1997, “bratting” was mostly textual — wordplay, sarcasm, little rebellions typed into Usenet threads. In real life, largely verbal talkback. Brat’s a kink identity that grew partly in opposition to the “TREW SUB” culture floating around then — a sort of Gor-inspired submissive ideal where obedience meant wearing metaphorical (and sometimes literal) knee pads with spikes on the inside and never capitalizing your name.
Brats (very definitely including the submissive ones) said, and still say: Nope. We’ll have our own bratty fun, thank you very much. Wanna play with us? Keep up — and catch me if you can.
Truthfully? I want to submit, I like feeling submissive, being a “good girl.” But, for the most part, you gotta make me. Or, at least, I need to know you can. And like it better when you do.