The following post, as well as any others I label as “shadow” should be read as having trigger warnings. They’re going to deal with problems in relationships, mostly with my family (read: Mom) and the ways I’m realizing the ripples of those childhood traumas affect my adult relationships, especially with Paul, as well as having left me vulnerable to further abuse and, recently, fed misunderstandings. Please, if you’re an abuse survivor, read with caution or just skip them. I don’t think I’m into spanking because of being abused, but the abuse definitely shaped some elements and expressions of kink that are most powerful for me.
Several people have asked if I am in a good place right now as my posts are pretty positive given how terrible the past few years have been. The answer is that I am trying to be, but generally am not. I find it almost impossible to openly discuss negative things about my life and family. My past, particularly my abusive childhood, left deep scars that continue to affect me, that I carry into any new experience of trauma or pain. One of the most traumatic aspects of that experience was and is the suppression of emotions and hiding of “bad” things. Growing up, no matter what happened at home, my siblings and I weren’t allowed and, to an extent, could not express any negative emotions. The only exception was tears, but even then, we faced consequences if our crying was deemed excessive or manipulative. We were yelled at, mocked,1Things like “Oh boo hoo, poor little you.” and threatened with further punishment.2The classic: “stop crying or you’ll get something to cry about.” We were also told it was wrong and entitled not to be grateful for being in such a good family, being given everything we could need and most everything we wanted.
- 1Things like “Oh boo hoo, poor little you.”
- 2The classic: “stop crying or you’ll get something to cry about.”