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An example of an ASSville community post, referred to in earlier Notes from Assville posts.
This one dates from September 1999 and comes from WACK, ASSville’s entirely fictional local television station. It was written as a bit of communal mischief: an attempt to interrupt a testy off-topic political debate, make sport of a sudden plague of trolls and sock-puppets pretending to be newsgroup regulars, and remind everyone that, really, we had so much better nonsense available to us, some of which even involved spanking.
Like many ASSville posts, it is full of inside jokes and probably makes the most sense if you lived there. It assumes a town with neighbourhoods, landmarks, celebrities, grudges, running jokes, in-jokes, out-jokes, borrowed personas, and public institutions no one had officially created but everyone somehow recognized. WACK was not real, of course, except in the way so much of ASSville was real: because enough of us wrote as though it were. And because we wanted to be there. There is a lot in this that is about seeing each other, and being seen, in the peculiar sideways fashion of the group.
Looking at it now, I’m struck by its odd relationship to the kinds of fictional documents I’ve been making almost thirty years later for the Saint Clare/Inez project: staff minutes, school records, prefect reports, letters saved when they should have been burned. The WACK guide is sillier, ruder, and much more obviously communal, but it belongs to the same impulse. It is world-building by paperwork. A fake schedule for a fake television station in a fake town that nevertheless says something true about the people who were there.
Some of the references will be opaque now. Though, to be fair, some were opaque then unless you were following exactly the right threads in exactly the right mood. But that was part of ASSville too. Like any town, it had local knowledge, local gossip, local weather, and occasional infestations.
This was one way we cleaned up the streets and tried to make each other laugh. Or groan.
FROM THE BOARDING HOUSE
Penthouse Suite (Okay, so it’s the right attic, gimme a break!)
13 September 1999
Darling,
Thanks for the *fab* job offer. It took hardly any
blackmail at all to convince MollyB and Randi to
accept. We’re *all* about being your new booking agents,
really. Randi will, of course, continue on in her
position as Director of Sarcasm and MollyB will be,
as ever “working” on her novel.
And just to show you we *don’t* intend to compost and
take salary in (unlike some other employees we *could*
mention — though naturally won’t), last night over
triple fudge sundaes we spent literally *minutes* working
out a new programming guide. Not that there’s anything
wrong with the old one of course. Still, there’s got
to be more to life than spanking machines and sorority
initiations.
Hopefully, we’ve catered to the needs of most of the
town interest groups (including both sides of the
animal debate ).
Ta,
Mija – la Media Diva
PS. Any problems with this line-up are entirely
Randi’s fault. Of course.
o0o
==FALL 1999 LINE-UP==
_WHIPLASH_
On the Right Cheek: Papa
and on the Left: Tony Elka
Guests spankers: Simon
Nick
**Tonight’s Subject: “OT: Off-Topic Posts, British or
American – Should We Care?”**
_The Wild Kingdom_
Hosted by: Barrister and MollyB
with special guest: RRandi and “Anon” from
alt.sex.rodent.consensual
On location: Crop and Paddle (renamed just for the night)
“The Ferret and Trouser Leg”
NOTE: see what Dooch’ll charge for the privilege.
**Tonight’s Subject: “Rodents of Renown: Our Friend the Ferret”**
_Kinky Kooking: Hibachi’s, Hitachi’s, and You_
Hosted by: (Peg or Joni)
***Tonight’s Program: “Grilling, Grinding and Groaning:
Which Power Source Suits YOU?”***
Live from the Boarding House kitchen, down-home kooking
lessons. 🙂
(Mija and MollyB to assist as “pupils”)
_MrSpraycan’s Neighborhood_
Hosted by that lovable old elf: Mr. Spraycan!!
with Trystilarn as the friendly and helpful mail carrier!
_The Janet Trap_
starring: Janet Hardy
Janet Miles
“But they’re spankos, identical spankos, all the way…
one pair of matching bookends, different as night and day”
_My Three Subs_
Starring: NYMster4U *and* the lovely and talented Jackiel!!!!
A look at polygamous BDSM relationships through the eyes of
one average Asssville family. Where the towels are hers
and hers and hers and His– 4 is company too!
_WACKs Eloquent_
Starring: The Bookbabe
With Special Guests: Joni-BSock, Byblys,
Julnick, Petulant,
Klonda and SilkDreamr
Live! On Location at the south edge of Kess’s Troll Hole!
**Today’s Show: “Sock-Puppets and the Posters Who Love
Them”**
_Tawsin’s Cheek_
New boarding school drama from renowned writer Frank Marsh
AKA The Flogmaster !!!
Starring:
IrishRed – a tom-boy turned bad girl
Vashti – a librarian who spends more time bending
than shelving!
Bonnie and Barrister as “The Gym Teachers”
Hope – a wayward yet innocent teen princess 🙂
MaggieD – Mistress Manners – always tastefully
sluttish!
Knax – the Head Boy – just too good to be believed?
Noriko and Naomi -two very *close* grrl friends!
Wailer – the slipper-wielding prefect, interested
in proper knicker inspections
Max Smart – the Head
and Summer & Caroline Hammersmith as themselves
… special school costume consulting by Pablo Stubbs
_Hope Improvement_
starring Hope!!
with Ted as Wilson — the spanker next door.
_N.Y.C.P. Brat_
starring Tasha Geller
with Richard Geller as Detective Spankowitz
A hard-hitting drama filmed on location in NYC!
_Touched by a Cane Girl_
starring Rosy and Domino as “The Cane Girls”
with Jennifer, Heather, and Helen as the big sisters.
A heartwarming drama for spankos of all ages, big and
li’l.
….with special appearance by l’il Remo,
**Filmed on location at the Chapel!**
_The Mod Squad_
Starring: Amythest as Sabrina
MJABRAT as Kelly
jojasa as Kris
Michele as Jill
Pablo Stubbs as Bosley
with special guest the ‘bot as “Charlie”
“What do you get when you bring together three switches, a
bottom and a submissive? A NEWSGROUP! And not a top in
sight….” A BEHIND closed doors look at the SPAM-BUSTERS
working to keep ASSSVILLE a clean place for pervs.
NOTE: Educational television, best suited to late night
hours.
==INFO-MERCIALS==
“The Spanko-matic”
Demonstrated by Swen and Mrs
It smacks; it whacks. In the END you’ll SHED tears of JOY.
**WARNING: viewers with emotional age under 25 should not
view this program unless accompanied by guardian**
(Dicing available ONLY with purchase of special DebPorn
version)
“Ginzu Knives”
Demonstrated by D-“Just Spank Me”-Lynn and Davo
A genuine replica antique razor strop yours *FREE* with
every 12 piece knife set.
Only 19.99!!! (Caning block not included, some assembly
required.)
“Tootsie-Pops”
The legendary Mrs M answers the age-old question:
How many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll
center of a tootsie pop?
ASSSVILLE will FINALLY know!
==Coming Attractions==
_I Love Loopy_
_The Man from U.N.C.L.E. Kent_
_I Dream of Slavegirl30_
-Masturbate Theater_
with your host, Alastair Spirit
I especially like the conflation of “The Parent Trap” with “The Patty Duke Show,” and the similar blending of “My Three Sons” with “Three’s Company.”
(On the subject of “The Parent Trap” and Patty Duke, can anyone explain how those four “twins” all managed to avoid being spanked, what with all the mischief, hijinks and shenanigans?)